Selfies: self love or weepy distress call?

By Anči

The following post is dedicated to those of you (like me) who are self-hating enough to log on to Jezebel for everyday passive comment scrolling,  and mandatory late-night snark consumption.  (You know Jezebel? The "feminist" blog for bored white women?)
If you do read this particular blog, you may recall a recent post sanctimoniously entitled "Selfies Aren't Empowering. They're a Cry for Help." (You might also recall feeling a conflicting combination of emotions-- like "annoyance" and "sexual guilt"-- towards the offending poster: A professional white woman named Erin Ryan.)

Guys. this is what my pain looks like.

I could be really mean for a second, (because I'm good at it.)  and speculate that only a deeply resentful lady, with a toilet-hole-shaped self-esteem, (see? MEAN!) would deign to insult those of us who enjoy uploading our fresh-faced visages to facebook. But I would also be correct.

Why else, would  this Jeze-Bish liken the electronic distribution of duckfaces to "walking up to a stranger, tilting your head downward at a 45-degree angle... pushing your tits together, and screaming "DO YOU THINK I'M PRETTY!" (Although that's  kinda funny. Erin Ryan should go write for Tosh.0 )

More importantly is anyone here actually convinced  Miss Ryan believes that selfie-snappers are a bunch of nip-slipping creepers? Or is she simply acting out because.. i don't know,  she doesn't feel pretty enough to  inundate the internet with  her own photoshopped likeness? (Newsflash: None of us are pretty enough, brah. That's why we use things like "makeup," "flattering angles" and the occasional handful of stolen diuretics to drain the water-weight from our least vital organs. Bye-bye lungs!   Because not even Heidi Klum can pull off a bloated respiratory system.)

To be fair, Miss Ryan does have a point: Uploading hawt pictures of myself is kind of like assaulting strangers with my boobs. (In that angry, unsatisfied wives like to do both.)
And I would know, because one time in preschool I took my shirt off in the middle of recess, and pranced around the swing-set topless...before being apprehended by my very alarmed nursery caretaker. (Don't worry, I managed to show Miss Stephanie who was boss.  When I successfully pooped my snowpants. )

The point is, culturally confused kiddies may be shitty,  but Jeze-blah Erin Ryan is an asshole. And she's also wrong:
 As someone who likes to pose for her own macbook, I know for a fact that selfies are NOT about navigating desperation. And they are certainly not a cry for help. (If anything, they're a cry of " I feel sexy!" )

Turns out I was feeling kinda sexy this morning..

I mean sure, anyone can turn anything into a vehicle for unhealthy behavior... including eating, or sex or.. yes,  picture time.  But let's not pretend that's a necessary or exclusive side effect of selfie culture per se-- Or any other feminine behavior, for that matter.

 And feminine behavior seems to be at the core of this prejudice.  Just consider society's compulsion to label "girly" activities inferior, and laughable. (while traditional masculinity remains at the undisputed center of human dignity.  Hmmm wonder who decided that, Obama?) 

So fuck that. I don't need to butch myself up,  downplay my femininity or even display total self-confidence (which I lack,) in order to assure Erin Ryan that women like me are not desperate and pathetic. Not to mention, there is something seriously phobic about denying feminine performing individuals access to humanizing traits like dignity.

Get it?

Zooey Deschanel's alright:

By Anči

Like most American women, i've long held an (admittedly, one way) grudge with the  quirky and loveable Zooey Deschanel. Also like most women, i've never been able to explain why.

So here we are, tackling the zany phenomenon that is Zooey Deschanel-- aka the pain in our collective feminist babymakers.

Known for sporting thick, 'childish' bangs, that stop just above her baby blue eyes, Ms. Deschanel has flawlessly managed to  straddle the ambiguous line between cute and soulful. (Nobody even knew that line existed, until she showed up!)  On top of that, the beautiful actress/singer projects a kind of childish sincerity, which she plays up with her girlish getups, and that ridiculous(ly sweet) ukulele she hauls around. Then there's that voice! Raspy and low, and haunting.

Get that? she's beautiful, cute, ethereal...and  the star of a successful sitcom. It's enough to turn any self-possessed woman green. And i'm starting to suspect that that unflattering effect has a lot more to do with the feminist daggers pointed her way, than any accusations of sexism being leveled at her. And what are those accusations? Namely that she's a woman in her thirties who irresponsibly projects an infantile image of women.
Okay, so she likes to be cute..but why is she suddenly being tasked with representing all women? Another question we should be asking is what makes her image so threatening in the first place?
Consider Mindy Kaling, who routinely affects a baby voice to soften her  rudeness, and petty behavior.  When she  bats her eyes and brags about how cute and successful she is, it comes off as manipulative, and (rightfully) undermines her likability.
Zooey on the other hand, is an undeniably warm person. We may not approve of her obsession with  kittens, but unless she's caught trafficking in kitty fur, we should admit that we have no case against her,  and that our problems with Zooey are just that: Our problems with Zooey.

When you analyze the anti-zooey backlash, you realize its actually steeped in sexist bias. Again, take her number one criticism: She's childish, and offensive to women! But how? Who decided that in order to appear  well adjusted, one has  to renounce all enthusiastic impulses?  Or that a  hyperfeminine aesthetic was an indicator of immaturity? Remember that Zooey's a successful, working woman who sings in a band, and stars in her own show -- what part of that screams "dependency?"

She's articulated this point herself, in a recent interview, stating:  "It’s sexist to think that [I] can’t act in a girly way or speak the way I want to speak or to assume that I’m not a strong and intelligent woman because of my appearance.” And if that wasn't awesome enough, she's also been quoted raging: "I want to be a fucking feminist and wear a fucking Peter Pan collar. So fucking what?""

That's right. So fucking what.

But If only that were the end of it! Other objections to Zooey  include the oft-cited charge that she's faking her entire persona: (meaning the 'adorkable' character she LITERALLY portrays on her TV show "New Girl." )  'You guys, she's not really that goofy!'  accuses the blogosphere, while collectively ignoring the fact that SHE'S ALSO ACTING.

In an article entitled "The Case against Zooey Deschanel,"  blogger Eric Garneau echoes this very position:
"it's that she tries way, way too hard to convince the world that she's awkwardly cute, that she's… ugh… adorkable, when this is clearly not the case. Guys, she's tricking us all."
Hear  that? We've been deceived! Next he'll be telling us Natalie Portman isn't really a deranged ballerina!
 Garneau continues: "After all, for many people, awkwardness isn't a personality trait that's chosen for reasons of fashion… it's something to be overcome. Awkwardness can, in extreme cases, be completely socially crippling, and while lots of comedians can mine material from awkward situations, we laugh at stuff like that because it rings true and we wish it didn't."

Ladies and gentlemen, the official spokesperson for awkward folk everywhere! Except,  as a member of the awkward community, I don't recall voting this dude into office: And while he's right  that awkwardness can in extreme cases be socially crippling, isn't in possible that  Zooey's alter-ego (Jessica Day) is simply not one of those cases? And why shouldn't the star be 'mining material' from her character's quirks?? Once a personality has been established, it's officially subject to the spoofing and ridicule required of all TV archetypes. (Haven't you seen FRIENDS?)

Also keep in mind, that unlike Mindy Kaling, (who plays 'Mindy' on her TV show) Zooey's not portraying a version of herself, nor does she write her own lines. That's why it's unfair to attribute any of Jess's antics to the giant-eyed fairy-princess who plays her.


What do you think? Is this woman playing us all, or is she just trying to have some fun?