Badass Girls Are The Best (a semi-continutation of my last post)

By Anči

Those of you that  follow my blog, may have come across my last post entitled Cool Girls Are The Worst: A Grievance, wherein I basically took self-serving, disingenuous women to task for  throwing their own gender under the bus, in order to score Patriarchal Brownie Bites. (which by the way, aren't even technically brownies!  I would know, because I spent my happiest hours in elementary school funneling my milk money into the faculty bake sales. What? I was going to lose those teeth anyway, mom.)

The point is, in my post I was harsh towards a group of gals I consider to be shitty to their kind, even if I don't necessarily occupy the firmest platform regarding that issue, myself. Cause here's the thing, I don't get along with very many women either.
Actually let me rephrase that: I don't get along with very many people-- which also includes an appropriately proportionate handful of ladies. But being introverted and socially awkward, can often act like an emotional roadblock... before inevitably devolving into a bad track record with women all together. And couldn't someone misinterpret that as a symptom of my own mistrust of the fairer sex? Well no, as women make up the core demographic of folks I am most interested in connecting with--  making it more likely for me to try (and fail) at fostering  friendships with them.. hence my claim that I don't get along with very many women.

In fact, for the majority of my life, I didn't have any close female friends-- I mean sure, I  had girl friends I cared for, and who mattered to me, but not ones I saw every day at school, or got the opportunity to share my life with in any significant way.  In fact, most of them resided on another continent.
But maybe I was  also basing my criteria for successful female buddyhood on like, The BabySitters Club --which let's be honest, featured a heartfelt group dynamic no one could ever recreate. Except maybe with like, a tight-knit lesbian bookclub. (Whiiiich one could even argue, may have been a component of Mary Ann and Kristy's series-strong bond, eh? eh? Come on guys, one of them was literally on a softball team. But I gleefully digress....)

Anyway, it wasn't until very recently-- like, less than a year ago-- that I finally started to cultivate more serious friendships with other girls. And it makes me wish I had more deliberately pursued that type of alliance starting from my elementary school days. Because as it turns out, Badass Bitches are the bestest category of buddy to surround yourself with.  It's true, I  don't get to hang out with my lady bros (heh!) very often, but thanks to Social Media (which for an introvert is a godsend) I've begun establishing trusting, supportive bonds with some extraordinary broads.

Even if most of our interaction takes place online, the solidarity we've created, coupled with some truly delightful moments of indulgent gossipy bitchiness-- not to mention the gratifying thrill  that necessarily accompanies a free exchange of ideas with other like-minded individuals, all leads me to continue seeking out, and establishing community with other women.

And it's why, maybe i'm also so harsh with ladies who outright dismiss the notion of female friendships, as being not remotely beneficial to their growth and development. I know a lot of that comes from Patriarchal hangups about competition and catfights, but my thinking is if you've spent any time forging solidarity with another chick, you can't help but realize what a load of crap the idea of girlfighting is.

thoughts?

On Envy

By Anči

Want to hear something embarrassing?

Sometimes I get envious of other women. I know it's not technically a bombshell when every single person on the planet has (on multiple occasions) experienced this brand of booger-hued bitterness, but stay with me:

Because shouldering even the slightest chip of covetousness is an admission that we're  seldom allowed to make - for fear of being labeled pathetic jealous bitches. (You recall that age-old accusation, programmed to beckon from the bowels of any broad, deemed a social threat?)

I mean how many times have you heard someone say "she's just jealous," to temporarily appease some affronted party's ego. (As though the existence of said 'jealousy', would somehow justify any level of needy hostility.)

Another challenge to owning a charged emotion like envy, is that... well, envy's often read as a marker of defeat. Because the only logical grounds for the casting of jaundiced eyeballs must surely be a pathetic, empty existence. Right?

Except envy isn't logical. And it's never directly proportionate to its conjurer's assets. In fact, jealousy is more often a reflection of personal dissatisfaction. (Which even billionaires are subject to.)

Not to mention that it is possible to be self-assured on most fronts, while harboring a healthy dose of self-doubt in others.

So I'll say it again: Sometimes I'm envious of other women, and I'm okay with that. It doesn't keep me awake at night, nor does it give way to personal resentments or rivalries.  Mainly it serves as a reminder, that my life could be more together.

And what is "togetherness" but a glittering tiara?

A few weeks ago, I perceived such a pang while looking through an acquaintance's online album of her new baby. I bring this particular example up, to illustrate one thing: that the target of one's envy doesn't necessarily reflect some futile desperation towards attaining said object. (Like we're shown in movies.) I mean, a bouncing bundle of infant chub of all things, is the least improbable milestone to procure for a 26 year old woman in a relationship. If anything this was a symbolic reminder that I'm not entirely secure with the space I'm taking up right now. (And while I suppose a mean-spirited person could interpret this as proof of failure, or... I dunno, secret infertility,  I like to think of it as proof of vulnerability. That's that thing all human beings are equipped with, to inspire us to share and connect?)

The baby in question was just an echo of that capitalist mantra, etched permanently on my susceptible subconscious, (and presumably in the form of a watchful goat) bleating "achieve achieve, attain, attain." With no obvious end in sight...

behold your god.

Then, a few days later, a significantly older facebook friend shared the news that she was getting published-- and once again, cue the alarms!

The familiar ache of "not there yet" had penetrated the hysterical recesses of my frontal lobes. This time, with the additional component of sulky annoyance (by far, the most dignified of emotional crises.)

The feeling lasted for about ten minutes, while I struggled to break it down, and this is what I came up with: If the ability to magically wish away this other person's well-deserved happiness were presented to me, I wouldn't take it. Never, in a million years, ever. Because this talented, hard-working comrade-in-arms had nothing to do with my own existential uneasiness.

And that's when it hit me:

What I really wanted was the assurance that success wasn't finite-- and that another woman's grasp on it didn't represent my own diminishing prospects for happiness.

Of course, that kind of "us vs. them" thinking originates from a global capitalistic-patriarchal agenda, making it a bit trickier to untangle our personal perceptions from. But the truth is that regardless of any alarmist myths of scarcity we've been made to swallow, there is room for everyone to make it here.

Or, more accurately, we can make room for everyone's success.  Because the more progressive voices there are out there, the better it is for all of us. And also because, it is fully possibly to grow, and gain professional recognition, without impeding another's progress.

And that is why, though I may never fully eradicate my own covetous compulsions, I won't ever actively compete against other women. Professionally, or socially. (I may still sigh inwardly at the sight of a beautifully written sentence; wishing I had been the one to pen it...  but that is to be expected...)

The point is, that as humanity continues to negotiate the demands of collective prosperity, with its personal ambitions,  I'll be in the background doing my part. First of all, by utilizing any unsettling moments of envy as a cue to reevaluate my own commitment towards the dismantling of oppressive constructs like social dominance and obligatory competition.

I'll also continue to speak frankly about my personal and professional setbacks as they come, with the confidence that my community will be there to prop me up as I need it. And lastly, use all of the platforms afforded to me through privilege, and professional advancement, in order to  highlight all the ways we should be lifting each other up.

Because if you haven't figured it out by now, envy isn't a symptom of personal inadequacy, as much as it is of a systematic failing. Particularly for women, who would benefit the most from a worldwide campaign of solidarity.

(Plus it would also look really cute. Check it out.)