Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Cool Girls Are The Worst: A Grievance.

By Anči

It's a well known refrain in babeland : "I just don't get along with other women, I have way more guy friends than girls friends...I guess it's because I'm so [choose one] a) easy-going, b) straightforward, c) drama-free,  d)sporty

It doesn't take a genius to figure out the implication of such a self-serving, misogynist conclusion. (After all what do options A-D have in common here?  Hint: They all function as an acceptable codeword for "cool.")

I'm so comfortable and relaxed, you guys!

See, women who exclusively get along with dudes, --typically via a contractually mandated reverence for bro-ish values like beer guzzling, and sweaty high-fives, (AKA women who  can't stand being around other women) get to boast the highly-coveted status  of "cool girl!" (After all, only a cool girl would sell out her own gender for a Patriarchal pat on the head, right?)

But of course, no laid back babe's going to openly refer to herself as cool, [because that would be uncool] so instead she will most likely employ one of the many euphemisms available to chicks of her stature: the most annoying of which, was recently thrown around in this essay entitled "The Girls Who Aren't Like Other Girls."

Ding ding ding ding! And we have an appropriately smarmy term for the Sisterhood of Dong-Thrall to collectively assume. Basically the Girls Who Aren't Like Other Girls, (or as they shall henceforth be abbreviated, "the GWALOG") are a variety of lady-traitors adept at exploiting their frat friendly charm to undermine other women.  And today they're here to tell us why they're soooo much more evolved than the rest of us, overdramatic sensitive wenches.

Soooo if you refer back to the article I provided, you'll notice that the author, [and our self-appointed  GWALOG guide] never explicitly acknowledges her contempt for "other" women, yet somehow STILL manages to insult us all. ( seemingly in passing. Like a phantom sorceress might!) She does this  first by "reassuring" us paranoid broads that the anxieties she's about to plant in our heads are unfounded: Stating "it certainly doesn’t mean I’m trying to steal your boyfriend if I hang out with him," (Awww, thanks for saying that, while simultaneously lending credence to  your own unstoppable sexual charisma. Because of course, the only thing preventing you from stealing our sweeties, is the fact that you don't want to.)
Then the author goes on to justify her close friendship with our (collective?)  band of boyfriends--  smugly adding that "Being friends with guys has just always been easier for me than being friends with girls. My honesty and straightforwardness are traits that have tended to be more appreciated by guys than girls."

Get it ladies? The problem here is that WE girly-girls  are not honest and straight forward enough, to merit brospect (that's "respect" in dudespeak.)  Well thanks for shining a light on womanity's glaring character flaw, sister. It's really too bad we all can't be cool, and play strip poker like you. Because some of us didn't start out with a bra, and would  therefore be at a fundamental disadvantage...


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