Thursday, April 24, 2014

A quick blurb about Avril Lavigne

By Anči

As some of you may have heard, Avril Lavigne (I know, right? "Who?") recently came under fire for releasing a racist music video, called "Hello Kitty."

Gwen Stefani is that you?
I guess "racist" is a judgment call-- but one that we can all agree should be left to members of the appropriated culture. (The Japanese/Asians.) And guess what? They are pissed.
You'd think that a decent person's response to such a backlash might include some display of humility or remorse... but no, Avril's only retort was "RACIST??? LOLOLOL!!!"
(such a master with words, that one.) But seriously, how cynical do you have to be to laugh off somebody else's pain like that? And at this point it's pretty official: The Asian community (including a thoroughly annoyed Margaret Cho)  has made it clear that they feel insulted by Avril's music video.

Shouldn't that be enough to garner an apology from the "Complicated" starlet? You know, given that she's loudly identified herself as someone who "loves Japanese Culture?" (Guess that love just doesn't extend to the people!)
 I guess I shouldn't be surprised, as defensiveness seems to be white America's go-to reaction for everything these days. But still, I hold out hope for the glorious moment when one of these yellow-haired lasses finally spits out her gum and declares  "I screwed up, you guys! Also, check out my sex tape. Now available on Amazon."

And of course it's not "just" the blatant appropriation of Japanese culture that uncomfortably reverberates from the cotton-candy set-- it's also the music video's painful reliance on a 2004 aesthetic, which has since faded into that stomach-churning void of cultural contempt, currently filed under "Gwen Stefani, Relevant" (Yes, it's been that long.)

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Guys: That Thing You Call "Female privilege" Is Actually Just Whiny Male Syndrome.

By Anči

Some of you may have recently come across the widely shared thoughtcatalog article, called 18 Things Female Seem To Not Understand (Because Female Privilege.) 
I almost feel silly calling attention to something so obviously ridiculous, but because this a perspective that so many people (erroneously) hold, I'm going to grit my teeth and fire back as best I can.

So, for starters:
Number 1) " Female privilege is being able to walk down the street at night without people crossing the street because they’re automatically afraid of you."
um, sweetheart? Have you bothered to ask yourself WHY women cross the street when they see you? (Because I promise you we don't do that for every guy.) Maybe we see you leering at us, or maybe you just smell really bad? (Have you even tried old spice? It does wonders for the butt area.) Or maybe ya know,  most women have been harassed, abused, raped too many times to feel comfortable walking past another whiny looking bro like you?  But no by all mean keep feeling sorry for YOUR smelly self because hot chicks run away when they see you. (Ha. Loser)

Number 2)  "Female privilege is being able to approach someone and ask them out without being labeled “creepy.”"
Okay so clearly the overarching theme here is that women find YOU creepy. Got it. (Also... instead of blaming womenkind for that, maybe you should stop acting like a dirty creep?)

Number 3)  "Female privilege is being able to get drunk and have sex without being considered a rapist." Awww, women consider you a rapist? It must be so hard for you-- but here's a tip that could serve you very well in the future: Stop. Raping Women.

 Number 4) "Female privilege is being able to turn on the TV and see yourself represented in a positive way."
 If by "in a positive way" you mean as  a straight, skinny white woman with perky titties, and a black best friend, then hooray! Patriarchy is dead!

Number 5)  "Female privilege is saving yourself before you save others and not being viewed as a monster." That's why no one harasses women on their way to getting an abortion.. In fact people are outright kind to women who choose to prioritize themselves over their unwanted fetus. Man being a woman IS easy.

Number 6) "Female privilege is being able to decide not to have a child."
My heart bleeds for George Clooney who doesn't have that same option. (what?)

Number 7) "Female privilege is not having to support a child financially for 18 years when you didn’t want to have it in the first place."
You're right. I bet there isn't a single woman out there who was forced to have a child she didn't want.

Number 8) "Female privilege is never being told to “take it like a man” or “man up.”"
 No, we just get told to "shut up and spread' em."

Number 9) "Female privilege is knowing that people would take it as a gravely serious issue if someone raped you."
Yes, I'm sure people would take me very seriously if I said I was raped-- especially if my rapist were an important, powerful man. Or if I had been seen wearing a short skirt in his presence... or If I had a reputation for having lots of sexual partners. Or if I was an elderly woman, or a teenager.

Number 10)"Female privilege is being able to divorce your spouse... because you know you will most likely be granted custody of your children."
Yes female privilege is people assuming that women want to be stuck with the majority of child rearing duties. And my question to the daddies that are just soooo sad about losing custody of their children: who was the one changing your children's diapers, during this little marriage? Did you and your wife divide up parenting duties equally? If not, what makes you think you deserve custody?

Number 11) "Female privilege is being able to call the police in a domestic dispute knowing they will take your side."
 Yes female privilege is being asked whether you did something to provoke your husband into hitting you.... or  the fact that Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.

Number 12)" Female privilege is being able to be caring or empathetic without people being surprised."  Yes, female privilege is being told to "calm down" and "Stop being emotional" whenever we deign to express any feeling that a man might find objectionable.

Number 13) " Female privilege is not having to take your career seriously because you can depend on marrying someone who makes more money than you do. Female privilege is being able to be a “stay at home mom” and not seem like a loser."
All sarcasm aside, I started laughing when I read this. How dumb is this guy that he's able to complain (without a trace of irony) that women can  "depend on marrying someone who makes more money than you do?" Because making 77 cents for every dollar a man makes at the same job is suuuuch a privilege. We're so lucky men get paid more than us! And as for his assertion that women are "able" to be stay-at-home moms (for free!) without feeling like losers, let me just say this: I bet you're just dying to spend your day at home changing diapers, dude. No really. I bet its your dream in life to be overlooked and ignored whenever someone asks you what you do, and you smile and say "I'm a stay-at-home-parent." Man those bitches have it made!

Number 14)  "Female privilege is being able to cry your way out of a speeding ticket."
 Yes this is a female privilege... which would explain why every overweight, poor black woman has been able to do this.

Number 15) "Female privilege is being favored by teachers in elementary, middle and high school. Female privilege is graduating high school more often, being accepted to more colleges, and generally being encouraged and supported along the way."
yes and then still making 77 to the dollar that all your less educated male peers make! (Oh and I'd like to know which elementary school you went to buddy, because according to this study boys get called on in class a lot more than girls do.)

Number 16) Female privilege is being able to have an opinion without someone tell you you’re just “a butthurt fedora-wearing neckbeard who can’t get any.”
Yeaaah I'm pretty sure that's not as universal to men as you think it is, and is actually something exclusively said to butthurt fedora-wearing neckbeards who can't get any. (sorry bro.)

Number 17) "Female privilege is being able to talk about sexism without appearing self-serving."
 That's why we never get called entitled bitches, or cunts....

Number 18)  "Female privilege is arrogantly believing that sexism only applies to women." 
If only one of feminism's tenets were that "Patriarchy hurts men too." Oh wait, it is! But you'd know that if you weren't such a butthurt fedora-wearing neckbeard who couldn't get any!

Saturday, April 19, 2014

The darker side of Buffy (a counterpoint to my original Buffy piece)

By Anči

Recently I published an enthusiastic post about my appreciation for Buffy-- and well, I certainly wasn't exaggerating my exaltation....which I wrote in the heady afterglow of a particularly charged viewing, with my S.O (who is currently getting to experience my favorite show for the very first time! Lucky him.)

So its fair to say Buffy pushes my buttons-- which is the mark of any good series (and no one could argue that these slayer chronicles are anything other than... all the synonyms for good!) But despite it's masterful storytelling, and snappy dialogue,  there are areas where this show might be found... erm, politically lacking. (she typed reluctantly.) And it's only fair I address the weaker aspects of this brilliant creation as well. (Because being a feminist means never getting to enjoy anything anymore... sigh.)

So I'll start with the show's especially glaring omission, as summed up by this meme I found:

Okay, valid point, internet. Buffy is essentially the story of white women-- which by itself isn't problematic, until it becomes exclusively about white women. So yes, as a Latina, I should have been more critical of this representational weakness... and that's an oversight I humbly own.
But looking back now,  I realize it never really escaped me that as far as the WOC go, the biggest players which include Kendra an African American slayer, and Jenny the Roma school teacher (referred to here, as a "gypsy" ) both succumb to the standard bitter fate, typically sustained by television sidekicks of color. (an untimely end most frequently felt by fictional black men, specifically.)
And yes I know that any program known for putting its characters in mortal danger week after week, is bound to result in some loss of life.... but it can't be a coincidence that of all the dramatically expired secondary-characters with significant story arcs, so many end up being women of color. I wouldn't even mind so much, if there were other WOC characters to speak of, but since there aren't, I can only draw my conclusions from this particular wading pool.. and franky,  I'm not liking how sluggishly these saltwaters are sprinkling. (That was a terrible metaphor. My bad.)

buffy and kendra

I also found it pretty interesting the way Kendra was positioned as the "other" to Buffy's conventional all American archetype. Remember both are slayers fighting for the same team...   but while Buffy is both blonde and American, Kendra is black and clearly foreign. (Buffy even mocks her counterpart's exaggerated Jamaican accent on one occasion, without any [well deserved] repercussions- such as a side eye, or a slap!) Then there's the fact that several of Buffy's friends go out of their way to reiterate that despite Kendra's presence, Buffy is the "real" slayer. And that this seems to be a position also shared by the actual show-- as evidenced by the way Buffy ends up being the one to give slaying pointers to Kendra-- even though our protagonist had only been a slayer for two years, while Kendra had been training since early childhood. (how does that make sense?)  In short, everything about the juxtaposition of this asskicking duo indicates that the audience is supposed to identify with Buffy, at the expense of her exotic co-slayer... and well, that might piss some viewers of color off.

The other issue I have (which actually comes entirely from me, and not an internet meme,) is the show's uneven treatment of sexual assault. It should go without saying that vampire attacks serve as a symbol for sex/sexual violence, and I probably don't need to explain how the program has expressly set this up. (as its pretty obviously reflected in every portrayal of a monstrous male terrorizing young women, with his pointy units...) But despite the fact that one of this show's foremost themes is the "slaying" of patriarchy/rape culture, there are still some problematic attitudes prevalent in its handling of those themes.
For one thing, we have the oft-cited rule that a vampire cannot enter a human's house until he gains the host's permission.... (so far, a good take on establishing consent.) But the kicker is that once a vampire has secured the aforementioned home owner's consent to step into their domestic sphere, he can subsequently re-enter at any time. And given the implicit connection between vampirism and sex, such a decree reads as a disturbing endorsement of the attitude that once a girl says yes, she's always fair game for action. I mean, even the vastly-inferior vampire show True Blood, grants its mortal residents the right to revoke admission to any undead visitors. Get it together, Buffyverse!

Another issue I have is with the show's attitude toward regular 'ole consensual sex. While there are some sex positive moments sprinkled into its seven year long run, the overarching theme seems to be that any female expression of sexuality must necessarily be accompanied by a devastating blow-back. The most obvious example I can think of, stems from the mid-season interlude wherein Buffy and Angel finally have sex... causing Angel to lose his soul, and revert back to his demonic self. (and I thought getting pregnant was a scary side effect!)

I did appreciate how the episode took pains to subvert that particular plot point, with the technical burden of purity falling squarely onto Angel -- after all, it was his curse that prevented him from basking in any true moment of happiness. (aka sex with Buffy) But its still naive to overlook the show's handling of the slayer's sexuality, as the springboard catapulting her towards doom.  And that even that humiliation didn't spare her from a subsequent serving of slut-shaming. (Hasn't Buffy been through enough?) Just remember the scene where her mother yells at her for being irresponsible, and starts demanding details like "was he your first?" until poor Buffy finally breaks down. Because of course its unthinkable for a seventeen year old girl to have sex with her boyfriend, and then not display proper remorse.)

You could say this dynamic was meant to function as commentary on society's skewed perception of women, but the way this sequence progresses into a moralist vehicle for abstinence only serves to iluminate its creators' underhanded seal of approval. (banishing all hope of "sexist critique" into the same under-realm that will eventually devour Angel.)

And honestly, I would probably feel better about that whole soul-crushing development if Buffy didn't keep beating herself up about it. She had nothing to apologize for, as she had zero indication of the malediction that her marathon of boinking would invoke!
Unfortunately the writers seemed to relish in the dramatic build up of Buffy's guilt; a burden they ceremoniously teased into gleeful admonishment... With their subliminal message that women should expect the worst from a sexual encounter, while men get a free pass at abuse.. cause boys will be boys, right? Um, nope.
If a dude can't do the dirty without turning into a sadistic asshole, (or a literal demon) then that says something about him, not the girl he was with.

Oh yeah, then there's that episode in season 4 (which we still haven't got to yet, so i'm sorry if my memory is shaky) where Buffy and her new boyfriend Riley finally have sex... which (of course) sets  off a bunch of angry violent ghosts, and nearly gets everyone killed.  (as tends to happen).. and I won't even get into the political mess made of Buffy's relationship with Spike... because that would spoil that series of revelations for my boyfriend... so i think i'll just mark that "to be continued..."

And finally,  i'm not saying horror/fantasy shows can't manipulate themes like sex, or growing up  into a compelling 45 minute shriek fest-- in fact, I love it when they do-- the bloodier the better!  but I am saying there seems to be an official position here, linking sexuality with destruction. And that's where I tend to get bloggy...

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

I May Be Dead, But I'm Still Pretty; On Buffy And Growing Up a Babe.

By Anči

Die Patriarchy!

This weekend, my boyfriend and I finished watching the first season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer-- it was his first viewing, and very likely my... 20th? (not really, but suffice to say, I've re-watched the show more than a few times..)
 It only took a few episodes to remind me how clever and profound the series truly is. Almost 20 years after Joss Whedon's feminist opus premiered, it still resonates just as deeply with its viewers. (the same of which, can hardly be said of most shows that old.)
Another thing that struck me, is that even after all the Girl Power type shows i've watched since my introduction to Buffy, (from Lost Girl, to Veronica Mars..) none of the sexy slayer's descendants come close to diminishing the luster and power of the original chosen one. Buffy simply stands alone-- a gem, surrounded by copycats and wannabes.

I only discovered Buffy in college, but I genuinely wish I had stumbled upon it during high school, when I was at my loneliest, and least empowered. Seeing a heroine like Buffy, bravely taking on her demons--quite literally--in a suburban high school setting, would have given me someone to relate to. I think I would have felt stronger, seeing an outsider like Buffy represented as such a complex, resolute badass; when I was feeling so weak and impotent.
What makes Buffy so unique, compared to all her TV peers like say, Bo from "Lost Girl" is that she has a dynamic inner life,  not to mention a complicated set of motivations that go far beyond the standard  hot-girl-seeks-hot-guy. She has integrity and character, and is a fiercely loyal friend to her band of equally well-developed sidekicks: Xander, Willow, and Giles. (all of whom are deserving of  an analyses of their own, but maybe i'll get to them in a future post...)

Throughout the series our plucky protagonist gets dumped and played by jerky (and occasionally demonic) boyfriends, but never lets the ensuing heartbreak get in the way of her most pressing gig-- that of being the Slayer.  (Unlike her inferior counterpart Bella from those ridiculous twilight movies, who if memory serves me correctly, tried to drown herself when the sparkly guy went away.) More importantly, Buffy never takes shit from men in her life-- even and especially when she happens to be in love with them.
Even and especially if it means ending up alone. (Whereas Carrie Bradshaw always found her way back to shitty, abusive Big, and my beloved Veronica Mars always found her way back to shitty abusive Logan. And no, don't say he loves her. He's still shitty.)

 I wish I had internalized Buffy's brand of conviction throughout my own tumultuous teenage years... but sadly, I was of the variety of girl who would fall apart at every rejection--romantic, or social. And the idea that someone like me could not only overcome obstacles like betrayal, and abandonment, but also continue 'slaying' her own forces of darkness despite such adversity, just didn't occur to me.
It wasn't that Buffy didn't suffer heartbreaks just like any other person. On the contrary, she was pretty prone to falling into deep depressions-- most unnervingly, after hooking up with one cute college boy, only to be brushed off and discarded immediately thereafter. Of course it's understandable that such a brutal sendoff would leave our slayer feeling hurt and confused; even plunging her into a temporary spiral of anxiety and self-doubt. But the key here was, that at no point did this crisis disorient or displace Buffy's deeply held convictions about her purpose on earth....which is kinda the whole point of "not taking shit" from someone, and which is a distinction I couldn't wrap my head around at that age. I simply didn't understand that while depression wasn't necessarily a sign of weakness, (but rather a healthy, normal reaction to crushing disappointment,) losing oneself as a result, was.
 As far as I was concerned, I would never escape the black hole of my adolescent angst, because I didn't appreciate that there were still fights to be had. Fights and struggles, that were actually worthy of my time and attention; setbacks and obstacles that would shape me into a stronger more compassionate, competent woman. And what all of that comprehension boils down to, is having a sense of self-- which Buffy undeniably did.

But now for a few stray observations on the very last episode of season 1 (which is currently freshest in my mind:) Trust me guys, this is sexy stuff!
So here we see a beautiful Buffy dressed in a white prom dress (a deliberate choice of color) getting ready for her final confrontation with The Master. (A deliberate choice of moniker.)  Awesomely enough, this Master, AKA the leader of the Vampires, is meant to be an obvious metaphor for The Patriarchy. He is the ultimate oppressive force in Buffy's life, and as such, suffers from the same delusions of grandeur harbored by most patriarchs of his creepy ilk.
 In this case, the master unwisely bets on the the slayer's demise, once he "impresses" upon her several (unimpressive) inches of pointy yellow teeth.  Surely, it's a violation  no woman could recover from, he reasons. [it even says so in his holy book!] But like most women who have been penetrated against their will, Buffy doesn't stay down for long. With the help of two of her friends, she gets up;  her billowy white dress filthy from the fight... (so much symbolism, guyssss!)

and by the end of the episode she has tracked down and slayed her vampire, in an epic moment of reverse-penetration. (Who needs penis envy when we have stakes?)

Monday, April 14, 2014

Badass Girls Are The Best (a semi-continutation of my last post)

By Anči

Those of you that  follow my blog, may have come across my last post entitled Cool Girls Are The Worst: A Grievance, wherein I basically took self-serving, disingenuous women to task for  throwing their own gender under the bus, in order to score Patriarchal Brownie Bites. (which by the way, aren't even technically brownies!  I would know, because I spent my happiest hours in elementary school funneling my milk money into the faculty bake sales. What? I was going to lose those teeth anyway, mom.)

The point is, in my post I was harsh towards a group of gals I consider to be shitty to their kind, even if I don't necessarily occupy the firmest platform regarding that issue, myself. Cause here's the thing, I don't get along with very many women either.
Actually let me rephrase that: I don't get along with very many people-- which also includes an appropriately proportionate handful of ladies. But being introverted and socially awkward, can often act like an emotional roadblock... before inevitably devolving into a bad track record with women all together. And couldn't someone misinterpret that as a symptom of my own mistrust of the fairer sex? Well no, as women make up the core demographic of folks I am most interested in connecting with--  making it more likely for me to try (and fail) at fostering  friendships with them.. hence my claim that I don't get along with very many women.

In fact, for the majority of my life, I didn't have any close female friends-- I mean sure, I  had girl friends I cared for, and who mattered to me, but not ones I saw every day at school, or got the opportunity to share my life with in any significant way.  In fact, most of them resided on another continent.
But maybe I was  also basing my criteria for successful female buddyhood on like, The BabySitters Club --which let's be honest, featured a heartfelt group dynamic no one could ever recreate. Except maybe with like, a tight-knit lesbian bookclub. (Whiiiich one could even argue, may have been a component of Mary Ann and Kristy's series-strong bond, eh? eh? Come on guys, one of them was literally on a softball team. But I gleefully digress....)

Anyway, it wasn't until very recently-- like, less than a year ago-- that I finally started to cultivate more serious friendships with other girls. And it makes me wish I had more deliberately pursued that type of alliance starting from my elementary school days. Because as it turns out, Badass Bitches are the bestest category of buddy to surround yourself with.  It's true, I  don't get to hang out with my lady bros (heh!) very often, but thanks to Social Media (which for an introvert is a godsend) I've begun establishing trusting, supportive bonds with some extraordinary broads.

Even if most of our interaction takes place online, the solidarity we've created, coupled with some truly delightful moments of indulgent gossipy bitchiness-- not to mention the gratifying thrill  that necessarily accompanies a free exchange of ideas with other like-minded individuals, all leads me to continue seeking out, and establishing community with other women.

And it's why, maybe i'm also so harsh with ladies who outright dismiss the notion of female friendships, as being not remotely beneficial to their growth and development. I know a lot of that comes from Patriarchal hangups about competition and catfights, but my thinking is if you've spent any time forging solidarity with another chick, you can't help but realize what a load of crap the idea of girlfighting is.


Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Cool Girls Are The Worst: A Grievance.

By Anči

It's a well known refrain in babeland : "I just don't get along with other women, I have way more guy friends than girls friends...I guess it's because I'm so [choose one] a) easy-going, b) straightforward, c) drama-free,  d)sporty

It doesn't take a genius to figure out the implication of such a self-serving, misogynist conclusion. (After all what do options A-D have in common here?  Hint: They all function as an acceptable codeword for "cool.")

I'm so comfortable and relaxed, you guys!

See, women who exclusively get along with dudes, --typically via a contractually mandated reverence for bro-ish values like beer guzzling, and sweaty high-fives, (AKA women who  can't stand being around other women) get to boast the highly-coveted status  of "cool girl!" (After all, only a cool girl would sell out her own gender for a Patriarchal pat on the head, right?)

But of course, no laid back babe's going to openly refer to herself as cool, [because that would be uncool] so instead she will most likely employ one of the many euphemisms available to chicks of her stature: the most annoying of which, was recently thrown around in this essay entitled "The Girls Who Aren't Like Other Girls."

Ding ding ding ding! And we have an appropriately smarmy term for the Sisterhood of Dong-Thrall to collectively assume. Basically the Girls Who Aren't Like Other Girls, (or as they shall henceforth be abbreviated, "the GWALOG") are a variety of lady-traitors adept at exploiting their frat friendly charm to undermine other women.  And today they're here to tell us why they're soooo much more evolved than the rest of us, overdramatic sensitive wenches.

Soooo if you refer back to the article I provided, you'll notice that the author, [and our self-appointed  GWALOG guide] never explicitly acknowledges her contempt for "other" women, yet somehow STILL manages to insult us all. ( seemingly in passing. Like a phantom sorceress might!) She does this  first by "reassuring" us paranoid broads that the anxieties she's about to plant in our heads are unfounded: Stating "it certainly doesn’t mean I’m trying to steal your boyfriend if I hang out with him," (Awww, thanks for saying that, while simultaneously lending credence to  your own unstoppable sexual charisma. Because of course, the only thing preventing you from stealing our sweeties, is the fact that you don't want to.)
Then the author goes on to justify her close friendship with our (collective?)  band of boyfriends--  smugly adding that "Being friends with guys has just always been easier for me than being friends with girls. My honesty and straightforwardness are traits that have tended to be more appreciated by guys than girls."

Get it ladies? The problem here is that WE girly-girls  are not honest and straight forward enough, to merit brospect (that's "respect" in dudespeak.)  Well thanks for shining a light on womanity's glaring character flaw, sister. It's really too bad we all can't be cool, and play strip poker like you. Because some of us didn't start out with a bra, and would  therefore be at a fundamental disadvantage...


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

"Don't Risk Dudeness," warns hair removal company

By Anči

By now, most of you have probably caught wind of this  super creative, new hair-removal ad for the unattractive she-hulk.  (BTW, when i say "super creative" I mean  cliched, predictable, and alluringly gay.)

So yes: Veet, (a body wax company responsible for every single one of my weird skin rashes,) thinks it's being very clever by comparing hairy women to men. (Although, how clever can they really be, if my 8th grade bully Alex McPopular was able to rub both of his braincells together long enough to formulate that exact same dig?  Did I mention that thanks to him, my nickname in 8th grade was "jungle legs?" [which quickly devolved into hallway hollers of  "lesbian?!" Well Jokes on you now, Alex, because lesbians actually know how to please a woman.*]

But the point is, that my childhood traumas keep my therapist very busy, and that these merchants of galbrousness (as the the makers of Veet shall evermore be known) need to come up with a different approach while hawking hair removal at women. I know its a hard sell, but there has to be a better way to encourage a nation of consumerist broads to indulge in a sensual bath of  boiling wax, (followed by some relaxing ripping sounds, as our body hair is forcefully uprooted by an unapproachable,  [yet very shapely!]  Russian lass.)
Maybe i'm just naive, but I'm sure Veet's creative team can come up with a more friendly pitch than "Inside every hairy woman is a pair of undescended testicles, waiting to bust out. BUY OUR PRODUCT!"

may I suggest adopting a company mascot instead?

*In case that burn was too sophisticated for you, boo boo, i'm saying you've never successfully pleasured a lady.