Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Nice guys need NOT apply! (or call. or text.)

 By Anči

If you want to turn off a feminist (or  really, any woman)  try becoming a dude who whines about friend-zones. You know the type: frustrated, insecure, and prone to sporting a GIANT chip on his shoulder (which he's dutifully purchased at an Apple store..) The kind of guy who likes to moan:  "It's not faaaair! I was nice to her, and she didn't have sex with me. Therefore: I should stop being nice to all women!" (a logical conclusion if ever there was one!)

If you want an example of this phenomenon, consider that in a recent (feminist) online discussion I joined, a misguided male commenter decided to pop up, and offer his two unsolicited cents on the subject of nice guys and pick up artists (PUA)  stating:

"So.... lets look at it this way. [A] nice guy who treats women well and takes his time is friend zoned. [while the] guy who acts like a funny jerk and pushes sex gets laid? As much as people hate PUA stuff... it exists continiously [sic] because women fall for it. I gurantee [sic] that half of the PUAs that exist... exist because they were tired of being friendzoned."

You mean nice guys like you, who are soooo nice they feel entitled to reward-sex? Because that is straight-up altruism, right there, buddy! And of course you're right : the only alternative to being a pathetic nice guy, is to act like a pushy jerk. There are literally no other available options to choose from.  (For more options, click here.)

If you're reading this blog, chances are you gave birth to me, (hi mom!)  or that I paid you to. (hi, honey!)  Also likely, is that you share my view that guys like this are a joke...   Sadly though,  at the core of this 'joke'  is a very real cultural expectation on women to 'put out' when all the 'official' requirements of 'courtship' have been met. (according to the guy. Never mind the woman's requirements, because... fuck us, right?)

In fact, I once (briefly) dated a guy who operated along those lines--  And he was perfectly nice for a while:  he opened doors for me, (although I was significantly stronger than him...)  took me out to dinner,  (which I thanked him for,)  left me sweet messages,  and then.... started saying he loved me, and was crazy about me.  (A sentiment I did not return.) This eventually progressed to him driving to my parents' house in the middle of the night,  to drop off  love letters, and baked goods--   at which point,  I had already been avoiding him for a few months. (Verbally ending things was not an option for me, once his erratic tendencies had become apparent,  and I no longer knew what behavior he was capable off.)

After months of no contact from my end,  this guy started leaving me charming voice mails to the tune of  "fuck you, bitch! You broke my heart, and now you won't talk to me?"  (No sir, I won't. And I bet it has something to do with how nice you are. ) The messages became increasingly violent, and  threatening,  until I was finally forced to respond with a pithy: "Stop harassing me, or I will take legal action." (Fun fact: I still have all his messages saved, in case he ever does try to contact me again.  )

All this went down several years ago, and still it remains my number--one association with the term 'nice guy,'   Obviously, I am not unique in this perspective-- as almost every woman I've talked to, has at some point been harassed by a nice guy of her own.    [seriously dudes, come up with a new strategy... maybe take up knitting! Because who doesn't love a whimsical sweater?]

I imagine that the  man who left the initial whiny comment, might scoff  "so you'd rather date a jerk instead?"  (I've actually gotten similar reactions before.) And to him and his ilk I'd counter:  "How is the story I just shared NOT a clear-cut description of a jerk, you entitled sociopath??"
Get it now readers? Jerks and nice guys are part of the same creepy continuum, and if you don't agree with me you too might be a sociopath! :)

Now, this is not to disparage the 'good guys' who are monumentally different from the nice guys. (In that  the good guys are pleasant, caring people who don't expect sex in return for decency.) Good guys make great friends as well as  great boyfriends and/or lovers (if that's what you're into.) Being a good guy, doesn't guarantee anyone sex, but it does guarantee not being labeled a creep... which is so rare these days, it almost passes for a virtue...

What are your thoughts?


  1. Hells to the yeah. I had a conversation about this with a "nice guy" I met a couple of months ago. Early on in the conversation he mentioned something about PUAs, and I said I bet most PUAs had never thought of treating women like normal human beings, and just enjoying getting to know them. His response was that he had tried that and it had "never worked for him"--i.e. he entirely missed my point. Heaven forbid you "just" end up being friends with a woman.

  2. wow. treating women like normal humans didn't work for him? Damn was that guy missing the point.