Thursday, October 31, 2013

On girly gay Americans

By Anči

 What's that German word that has to do with taking pleasure in somebody else's misery... schadenfreude? (You can always count on the Germans to provide the world with appropriately sadistic terminology.)

Anyway I've been experiencing a little bit of that ever since I caught wind of this latest military scandal. I don't want to make people uncomfortable, because I realize how sensitive these things are... So well, it has to do with the Marines oppressing one specific gender with a culture of brutality. You probably know which controversy I'm talking about. Ok good, let's say it together on three:


And I have literally never been happier.
 La la la la la...

 The official Marine reaction thus far, has  looked a bit more like this:
but I don't want to be a girl!

On the one hand, you can see where they're coming from: Take it from a senior marine. According to him, “The Marines deserve better. It makes them look ridiculous.”  Yes new hats will make the marines look ridiculous.  Up until now, you guys have been a beacon of dignity.

nothing about this seems absurd.

But out of curiosity, sir, what specifically makes the hats so offensive? Well apparently it's that they're "women's hats."

Women's hats?!! That sounds horrible! I imagine this means they're covered in tampons, or gosh, maybe they come equipped with an estrogen dispenser. Wait, no? Okay.. are the hats decorated with suggestively "blooming" flowers?  Are they branded with "Hello Kitty" insignia?  No? None of those things? What's the problem then? 
Turns out one of the issues plaguing our national headgear is that it looks "more French than American." And everyone knows the french are super queer.

Thanks a lot, Obama.

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